Elle Effect Photography

I’m recalling conversations Andrew and I had back when he visited last month sitting in Heavenly Ham eating lunch. It’s better to think “too much” then to not think at all. To just accept things at face value. Didn’t it say in the Word that we should work out our faith with fear and trembling [Phil 2:12]? I’m talking about a healthy fear- a “fear” that keeps you in check and doesn’t allow you just to simply accept what you hear without examining it yourself first. Seems that the importance of thinking for yourself, seeing why for yourself, etc, isn’t really valued anymore.

We sit in church, hear the sermon, take notes, flips through verses, underline and mark, close it up afterwards, it collects dust during the week and we dust it off next Sunday morning, walk into church and “live the Christian faith”. rrrrrrrright.

It be amazing if we actually took applied action to faith, now wouldn’t it? (myself included!) Somedays I find myself bogged down with my lifes worries, my stresses, what songs I have to prepare for Sunday, what choreography I’m teaching Sunday evening, what I’m doing next.. etc, etc, etc. I’m not saying those things aren’t important, but we can get completely out of balance. (I’m just blabbing here, so bear with me).

This week I get up in the morning and fall to my knees by my bedside. I surrender, again, all of me to what He wants; begging Him to impart into me how He lived and let me live it just one more day (or attempt to, more realistically). It’s been a constant struggle.

The past few days (esp over the weekend) I’ve been grieving. Bet you’re wondering who died, what happened, etc. Well, my spirit is grieving over the condition of my heart first of all, the condition of the church (in general) and the condition of my generation as a whole. There HAS to be a better way to live than the way we are now…

Back to the thought of “thinking too much” or not enough. I don’t want to take things at face value. I want to wrestle with it. I don’t just “believe” it. Of course, I believe the Word of God is God-breathed and alive and true, no doubt, but I wrestle with what I read. I want to read it and be God-inspired not preacher-inspired. I hear a sermon, a teaching, whatever; or read a book and wrestle, wrestle, wrestle. Man, it gets tiring at times. I feel like Jacob wrestling with the angel until he got an answer. I feel like I’m wrestling with God for answers on so many different levels- and I don’t think He would want it any other way. Otherwise, I’d be a lukewarm ‘believer’ with no action. And faith without works is dead.

I’m taking action anywhere and everywhere I can. Beginning in the integrity of my schoolwork, the integrity I uphold behind closed doors and the humility of my heart as an artist (remaining humble) and communicating Jesus Jesus Jesus everywhere I walk. I fail over and over again, I know, but I’m trying. And by God’s grace am I succeeding.

I remember when I was working at Charlotte Russe. I knew I was being watched as an employee to uphold integrity in my job, but I personally had to uphold Jesus’ integrity as well because they knew I was a Christian. We should feel the heat of that responsibility of bearing His name daily. And if we don’t, we need to check our hearts… it’s a dangerous place to be, and trust me, I’ve been there.

I really don’t know where all this is coming from honestly. I just returned from class this morning with a lot of thought on my mind and such, so here I am, I suppose.

I was fixing dinner last night (pot roast over noodles and fresh, green beans)… and I was home alone cutting green beans and such by the sink thinking. My heart was so heavy, I didn’t know where to begin. I was praying off and on, just discussing with God my heart and thoughts (that he already knew) and kinda became overwhelmed for a moment (oddly enough). I knelt down and put my forehead up against the sink, knife and green beans in hand. I’ve been doing this a lot lately; more desperate prayer for desperate times… I don’t know. I’m living in a deserpate state right now in sooo many ways. Financially. In decisions. Community. Everything.

I’m also begging God to ready my heart for the places He’s taking me…

About thirty minutes ago, two young, neighborhood boys came to the door and asked for my sister to hang out and play. She isn’t here, and they were disappointed. I almost shut the door and then opened it back up. I walked outside where the boys were beginning to walk away with their bikes and just started a conversation. They grinned from ear to ear. We talked for awhile, actually, and I told them they could come back anytime (even if Caitlin wasn’t here) and hang out with me- play basketball, talk with me, whatever. They were so cute and replied with a genuine- ‘thanks, we will’. My opportunity is right out my front door. It’s 15mins away in Charleston at the Rosevelt Center on what people call, “the bad end” - uh huh, yeah, whatever. A bunch of us from 4th Wall went and hung out Friday night and played basketball in the gym with everyone… and had an open discussion and Bible study in the hallway. Something simple, taking pictures and hanging out with the kids. We’re going back at least once or twice a month on Fridays to teach skits and/or dances. Three beautiful young girls curled up with us and we held them the whole time. We took pictures of them and made them laugh. Again, nothing special. I’m learning. We’re learning. We’re living and being.

I still have a sttttrong desire to open a coffee house in my city. There’s no “hang out” place anywhere besides… the library. And no one just hangs out at the library (like I do, hahaha). About a month ago, an old Exxon shut down across the street from my church. The building is for rent- it has two big garage doors in front and plenty of space with another garage hooked on in the back. It would be perfect. I have no idea how we’d pull it off, but it’s up to God. I’m really praying about it. I was riding home with my friend, Em, today and we passed it and I brought it up- and she was all, “no way! I was thinking the same thing! we need that” It would do sooo much good for our community, no doubt. It’s being talked about around the edges in different youth groups in the area when I visit (mostly when I’m taking photos, ha, I have ears like a bat, I suppose) My Dad got this incredible plan to really start it from his connections and he started sharing it with me last night- and I really hadn’t told him about it all yet! God is working, who knows, this may happen really soon.

This entry is everywhere- oh my. My apologizes. And it’s long- ohh my.

I’M ORDERING PHOTOSHOP OF SOME SORT ASAP- AND IF ANYONE, ANYONE HAS A SUGGESTION AS TO WHAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ME, PLEASE LET ME KNOW- I’D LOVE YOU FOREVER. I’m also in the near future ordering a new lens when I get some cash flow, so if you need photos taken (of anything), contact me. I’ve got about 5 senior portraits to do in the next few weeks, 2 couples and 7 bands (in the Richmond area- road trip, hello!) Alright, I’m done for real.

But seriously. You can never think too much. Examine everything you read. Take it back to the Word- even the Word take it and wrestle with its meaning. Take it to God. Live in desperation. I pray I never become lukewarm, and I pray this fire burning in my bones would become stronger. That’s all I’ve got.

-lauren